Topics to avoid discussing in your resume/job interview

Sex With Animals/Dead People
Even if you’re just saying that you don’t do it, it’s still bad. Don’t even go there. Yeah, rational people would like to know that you avoid sticking your dick into goats or a dead bodies or dead goats, but employers aren’t rational. Employers live in a dream land of black & white. There is no gray area with them. Necrophilia - BAD. Willing to work nights and weekends - GOOD. Gumming cocaine on the job - BAD. Ambition to advance to a managerial position - GOOD. There is no logic. You have to get into their minds to see what unrealistic standard they are holding you to, and then lie to make it look like you uphold that standard. Deep down they know you’re lying, but they pretend not to so as not to disturb their candy-cane-hooker grasp on reality.

Knife Collections
You’d think most people would be glad to know that you own sixty-seven knives and always carry at least eight on your person at all times and are constantly looking for an excuse to use them. This would naturally give a normal person a sense of security and safety whenever they were around you since they would know that any homeless men to approach, begging for change, would wind up with significantly less change than they'd hoped for, and significantly more stab wounds. But employers are, as mentioned above, fucking weirdos. They get all awkward and timid when you go into detail about your extensive collection of stabbing utensils. Even more so when you retrieve one of your knives from your belt and put on a showcase of your air-stabbing skills: “And this is how I would stab somebody!” *thrust*twist* (the twist is very important). The only person I’ve seen not impressed by that was that nut job who interviewed me for a job at the local N-N-Out burger.

The Impending Zombie Apocalypse
As is the case with the knife collections, most people would be happy to know that you have fool-proof plans A-Z on surviving the zombie apocalypse. Most people would be glad to hear that you can assess the zombie survival probability of a building within 30 seconds of entering it. Most people - yes - not employers. Strange as it may seem, some wackadoo’s still aren’t convinced that zombies are going to take over the world. There’s a word for that kind of thinking - denial. These people want go through life pretending it’s not going to happen, when they should be surrounding themselves with stone-cold badasses who automatically discern the best plan of survival should a full-scale zombie attack occur, and who have the karate training and knife collections to carry that plan out. Like me.

How Much you Want to Bang Them/Their Wife/Their daughter/All three
“I want to bang _____” is always a compliment and should always be taken as such. There’s no need to get all touchy and up-in-arms because I’m trying to convey that I find myself seriously wooded-out when I’m looking at you/one of your loved ones. It’s a good thing. Also, mistakes happen, if your 12 year old daughter looks 15 and I said I wanted to bang her, well that’s a double complement because not only am I telling you your daughter is very attractive, but also that she seems very mature for her age. There’s no need for swearing, calling of the police, of the throwing of coffee mugs. I didn’t say I actually was going to bang anyone after all. Other phrases in the same vein to avoid include: “I enjoy your/their breasts”, “You/they would look great pregnant”, and “I want to do unnatural things to your/their rectum”.