Mr. Lumet, as a fellow filmmaker (and I feel confident calling myself that having just completed my first semester in a community college film-program) I felt that it was my duty, having just seen your film (Before the Devil Knows your Dead) to lend some constructive criticism. Now, after reviewing your filmography on IMDB it seems you are an experienced filmmaker, which is why it seems strange to me that I need provide this criticism in the first place as it is the first thing they taught us at Solano County Community College over this last semester. And that nugget of wisdom that they passed down to me, that I am about to pass down to you? Never, and I mean never, have the first scene of your movie include more than one image of Philip Seymour Hoffman fucking anything.
As a filmmaker, Sydney, do you mind if I call you Sidney? As a filmmaker, Sidney, you need to place yourself in the mind of your audience. In this case, your audience being me. So, Sidney, put yourself in my shoes. Having just consumed several cans of Mixed Berry Flavored Malt Liqueur which tasted more like the bad tasting prescription cough syrup than any possible mix of berries as well as having not cut my toenails in months, how would you feel upon having your sense of vision assaulted by the image of Philip Seymour Hoffman rutting away like a some kind of pasty white tortoise? The answer: not fucking cool.
Now, Sidney, you may be thinking to yourself, Sidney: “Well, Marisa Tomei is hot enough, even pushing seventy, she alone might make up for the abundance of Hoffman-ass present in this scene.” Well you know what? No. She really isn't. Not to downplay the appeal of Ms. Tomei's unrealistically perky breasts and taught body, but...just no. I'm sorry, Lumet, but in this case, you bet on the wrong horse. I sincerely hope that in the future you can avoid such amateur mistakes, because honestly, I feel you show quite a bit of potential as a filmmaker, and even at your ripe old age you may produce a truly significant piece of cinema, provided Phillip Seymour Hoffman bears absolutely none of his unmentionables, even including his sizable man-breasts. Keep at it, good buddy!
