The top 5 things I would like to do to the cunts that broke into my car tonight

1. Rape them.
I'm not gay, but honestly, can you think of a worse thing to do to someone than rape? I can't, which is why I'd be willing to put aside my loathing of rape, and my heterosexuality, to give these filthy bastards a night of forced sodomy to rival all nights of forced sodomy to precede it.

2. Pay someone else to rape them.
This would be No. 1, but I'm poor and right now if at all possible I have to be a DIY kind of guy, whether I'm fixing my computer, cooking, or raping thieves in the night.

3. Teach a dog to rape, and then have it rape them.
This might be cheaper than paying a person to rape someone (Depending on the person), but it would also require much more effort, and if I'm anything more than poor, it's lazy. Still, the sight of a cute, innocent dog going to town on some tied and gagged dudes back-door orifice with an adorable doggy smile on its face while the rapee futilely attempts to escape his bindings and scream "Oh, shit. Oh, shit, a dog is raping me!" might be worth the extra time put in.

4. Make them watch as my trained canine rapist rapes someone they care about.
What could be worse than getting raped? Maybe....watching your grandfather getting raped, perhaps? Maybe, though you'd have to be pretty close to your grandfather. This option carries the same novelty as option 2, with the added benefit of the extra emotional scarring that could potentially occur.

5. Punch them in the dick. (Plus also rape them)
Basically this is option No. 1 with an added dick punch thrown in for good measure. Not really a viable option for me at the moment considering both of my wrists are injured and so punching anything would be quite reckless. I think I'll stick to rape.