Why There Needs to be More Werewolf Rape in Film: An Essay

From the very first days of cinema, when this magic new technology was first pioneered, when the moving picture first became a reality, there were men and women all across the globe who clamored for filmed scenes of werewolves raping people. This historical fact is well documented in many encyclopedias and volumes on the history of cinema, werewolves and rape. Why? Because werewolf rape scenes are awesome. The majority of the population holds this belief. So, why is it that we, the people, have been denied our universally recognized human right to be able to watch werewolves rape on film? Why are these scenes so scarce? Who is withholding from the masses the scenes of humanoid wolf on human forced sex that we all so desire? And why? Why would anyone be so cruel? The answers to these questions are still a mystery, but I have formulated a theory that may make clear, if not all, at least some of the murkiness that surrounds this issue.

It all started with the Eisenhower administration. As is well documented, Dwight Eisenhower hated werewolves. As a matter of fact, this is the reason he was impeached in the first place. But Eisenhower wasn't going to take his forced dismissal from the office of Commander and Chief sitting down. No. He formulated a plan. A plan to stick a figurative cock in the face of every man, woman and child in the world. Eisenhower knew how important werewolf rape in cinema was to us, and so as a last act of vengeance he put into motion an ingenious, if diabolical, plan to deprive us of it for life. There’s no way for anybody to know what this plan was. Eisenhower took that secret to his grave. Could it have involved voodoo? Robots? Probably. And thus we’re brought to the present. Today, when werewolf rape is in higher demand than it has ever been in, why is no one stepping up to the plate to supply this ever growing demand? How could so many let such a lucrative opportunity slip by? I would go so far as to say that the first person to gain a monopoly on the werewolf rape market would eventually become powerful enough to rule at least eight sixths of the world. What did Eisenhower do to blind so many people to these facts? Whatever it was, someone needs to end his curse for the good of the human race.

Scenes of massive, hairy, half-human/half-wolves forcing squirmy diminutive humans to submit to their will and sexual desire - dangling, furry, Pringles Can-esque erections in tow - are a staple of modern human culture. The grunts, the sweat, the squeals, the thrusting, the growling. The geysers upon geysers of ejaculate. These are things deeply rooted in our psyche as a species. Scenes of werewolves raping humans remind us that just because we’re human, that doesn’t mean that werewolves won’t rape us. Stories of werewolf rape date back to long before cameras of any kind existed. Before the written word, even. Cave people would tell these tales to each other around camp-fires while feasting upon baby mastodons. The medicine men of native American tribes had many stories of people getting raped by hulking, muscular, virile, enormously well endowed beast men. Aborigines, ancient Egyptians, the Vikings of Scandinavia; Every culture from every period of time has folklore riddled with werewolf rape. It is hugely important that we keep in touch with our base humanity by further perpetuating these stories and defying the will of our late president. I call upon all filmmakers in the land: put all of your funds into fur suits, prosthetic dongs, and gallons upon gallons of artificial ejaculate. Find anybody willing to allow themselves to be sexually violated by a werewolf and film it, goddamnit! Film it for the good of mankind!