Sex With Animals/Dead People
Even if you’re just saying that you don’t do it, it’s still bad. Don’t even go there. Yeah, rational people would like to know that you avoid sticking your dick into goats or a dead bodies or dead goats, but employers aren’t rational. Employers live in a dream land of black & white. There is no gray area with them. Necrophilia - BAD. Willing to work nights and weekends - GOOD. Gumming cocaine on the job - BAD. Ambition to advance to a managerial position - GOOD. There is no logic. You have to get into their minds to see what unrealistic standard they are holding you to, and then lie to make it look like you uphold that standard. Deep down they know you’re lying, but they pretend not to so as not to disturb their candy-cane-hooker grasp on reality.
Knife Collections
You’d think most people would be glad to know that you own sixty-seven knives and always carry at least eight on your person at all times and are constantly looking for an excuse to use them. This would naturally give a normal person a sense of security and safety whenever they were around you since they would know that any homeless men to approach, begging for change, would wind up with significantly less change than they'd hoped for, and significantly more stab wounds. But employers are, as mentioned above, fucking weirdos. They get all awkward and timid when you go into detail about your extensive collection of stabbing utensils. Even more so when you retrieve one of your knives from your belt and put on a showcase of your air-stabbing skills: “And this is how I would stab somebody!” *thrust*twist* (the twist is very important). The only person I’ve seen not impressed by that was that nut job who interviewed me for a job at the local N-N-Out burger.
The Impending Zombie Apocalypse
As is the case with the knife collections, most people would be happy to know that you have fool-proof plans A-Z on surviving the zombie apocalypse. Most people would be glad to hear that you can assess the zombie survival probability of a building within 30 seconds of entering it. Most people - yes - not employers. Strange as it may seem, some wackadoo’s still aren’t convinced that zombies are going to take over the world. There’s a word for that kind of thinking - denial. These people want go through life pretending it’s not going to happen, when they should be surrounding themselves with stone-cold badasses who automatically discern the best plan of survival should a full-scale zombie attack occur, and who have the karate training and knife collections to carry that plan out. Like me.
How Much you Want to Bang Them/Their Wife/Their daughter/All three
“I want to bang _____” is always a compliment and should always be taken as such. There’s no need to get all touchy and up-in-arms because I’m trying to convey that I find myself seriously wooded-out when I’m looking at you/one of your loved ones. It’s a good thing. Also, mistakes happen, if your 12 year old daughter looks 15 and I said I wanted to bang her, well that’s a double complement because not only am I telling you your daughter is very attractive, but also that she seems very mature for her age. There’s no need for swearing, calling of the police, of the throwing of coffee mugs. I didn’t say I actually was going to bang anyone after all. Other phrases in the same vein to avoid include: “I enjoy your/their breasts”, “You/they would look great pregnant”, and “I want to do unnatural things to your/their rectum”.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Why There Needs to be More Werewolf Rape in Film: An Essay
From the very first days of cinema, when this magic new technology was first pioneered, when the moving picture first became a reality, there were men and women all across the globe who clamored for filmed scenes of werewolves raping people. This historical fact is well documented in many encyclopedias and volumes on the history of cinema, werewolves and rape. Why? Because werewolf rape scenes are awesome. The majority of the population holds this belief. So, why is it that we, the people, have been denied our universally recognized human right to be able to watch werewolves rape on film? Why are these scenes so scarce? Who is withholding from the masses the scenes of humanoid wolf on human forced sex that we all so desire? And why? Why would anyone be so cruel? The answers to these questions are still a mystery, but I have formulated a theory that may make clear, if not all, at least some of the murkiness that surrounds this issue.
It all started with the Eisenhower administration. As is well documented, Dwight Eisenhower hated werewolves. As a matter of fact, this is the reason he was impeached in the first place. But Eisenhower wasn't going to take his forced dismissal from the office of Commander and Chief sitting down. No. He formulated a plan. A plan to stick a figurative cock in the face of every man, woman and child in the world. Eisenhower knew how important werewolf rape in cinema was to us, and so as a last act of vengeance he put into motion an ingenious, if diabolical, plan to deprive us of it for life. There’s no way for anybody to know what this plan was. Eisenhower took that secret to his grave. Could it have involved voodoo? Robots? Probably. And thus we’re brought to the present. Today, when werewolf rape is in higher demand than it has ever been in, why is no one stepping up to the plate to supply this ever growing demand? How could so many let such a lucrative opportunity slip by? I would go so far as to say that the first person to gain a monopoly on the werewolf rape market would eventually become powerful enough to rule at least eight sixths of the world. What did Eisenhower do to blind so many people to these facts? Whatever it was, someone needs to end his curse for the good of the human race.
Scenes of massive, hairy, half-human/half-wolves forcing squirmy diminutive humans to submit to their will and sexual desire - dangling, furry, Pringles Can-esque erections in tow - are a staple of modern human culture. The grunts, the sweat, the squeals, the thrusting, the growling. The geysers upon geysers of ejaculate. These are things deeply rooted in our psyche as a species. Scenes of werewolves raping humans remind us that just because we’re human, that doesn’t mean that werewolves won’t rape us. Stories of werewolf rape date back to long before cameras of any kind existed. Before the written word, even. Cave people would tell these tales to each other around camp-fires while feasting upon baby mastodons. The medicine men of native American tribes had many stories of people getting raped by hulking, muscular, virile, enormously well endowed beast men. Aborigines, ancient Egyptians, the Vikings of Scandinavia; Every culture from every period of time has folklore riddled with werewolf rape. It is hugely important that we keep in touch with our base humanity by further perpetuating these stories and defying the will of our late president. I call upon all filmmakers in the land: put all of your funds into fur suits, prosthetic dongs, and gallons upon gallons of artificial ejaculate. Find anybody willing to allow themselves to be sexually violated by a werewolf and film it, goddamnit! Film it for the good of mankind!
It all started with the Eisenhower administration. As is well documented, Dwight Eisenhower hated werewolves. As a matter of fact, this is the reason he was impeached in the first place. But Eisenhower wasn't going to take his forced dismissal from the office of Commander and Chief sitting down. No. He formulated a plan. A plan to stick a figurative cock in the face of every man, woman and child in the world. Eisenhower knew how important werewolf rape in cinema was to us, and so as a last act of vengeance he put into motion an ingenious, if diabolical, plan to deprive us of it for life. There’s no way for anybody to know what this plan was. Eisenhower took that secret to his grave. Could it have involved voodoo? Robots? Probably. And thus we’re brought to the present. Today, when werewolf rape is in higher demand than it has ever been in, why is no one stepping up to the plate to supply this ever growing demand? How could so many let such a lucrative opportunity slip by? I would go so far as to say that the first person to gain a monopoly on the werewolf rape market would eventually become powerful enough to rule at least eight sixths of the world. What did Eisenhower do to blind so many people to these facts? Whatever it was, someone needs to end his curse for the good of the human race.
Scenes of massive, hairy, half-human/half-wolves forcing squirmy diminutive humans to submit to their will and sexual desire - dangling, furry, Pringles Can-esque erections in tow - are a staple of modern human culture. The grunts, the sweat, the squeals, the thrusting, the growling. The geysers upon geysers of ejaculate. These are things deeply rooted in our psyche as a species. Scenes of werewolves raping humans remind us that just because we’re human, that doesn’t mean that werewolves won’t rape us. Stories of werewolf rape date back to long before cameras of any kind existed. Before the written word, even. Cave people would tell these tales to each other around camp-fires while feasting upon baby mastodons. The medicine men of native American tribes had many stories of people getting raped by hulking, muscular, virile, enormously well endowed beast men. Aborigines, ancient Egyptians, the Vikings of Scandinavia; Every culture from every period of time has folklore riddled with werewolf rape. It is hugely important that we keep in touch with our base humanity by further perpetuating these stories and defying the will of our late president. I call upon all filmmakers in the land: put all of your funds into fur suits, prosthetic dongs, and gallons upon gallons of artificial ejaculate. Find anybody willing to allow themselves to be sexually violated by a werewolf and film it, goddamnit! Film it for the good of mankind!
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
If I were to make an animal
It would have ...
1. The body of a chimpanzee. Chimpanzee's are strong. Like, super fucking strong. I would give my animal the body of a roided out retarded chimpanzee, thus combining roid strength, chimp strength and retard strength to mold pound for pound the strongest creature on earth.
2. The head of a crocodile. Crocodiles have the strongest bite preassure of any animal alive. And plus the phsychological factor comes into play. Can you imagine a retarded chimp with the disproportionate sized head of a crocodile roiding out on you, snapping its huge jaws in your face and pounding on its chest? No. You can not. It's like the best parts of king-kong and Godzilla combined into one.
3. The prehensile tail of a monkey. Because this way it would have 5 limbs instead of just 4 to fuck you up with.
4. The prehensile dong of an elephant. Because this way it would have 6 limbs instead of just 5 to fuck you (up) with. Imagine a tentacle, but also a dong. Yes.
5. The wings of a bat. Now it can fucking fly, too. Thought you'd be safe up in that helicopter? You couldn't have been more wrong even if you were trying to be the wrongest you could possibly be. How about chimp/croc dive bombs, swooping from the skies and wrapping its anaconda-esqe wiener around your body so it can take you to its cave high on a cliff face in the middle of nowhere and devour your body and soul. How about that?!
6. The anaconda of an anaconda. Now it has an ana-fucking-conda growing out of its torso! What?!
7. The tentacles of a squid. Now it has an anaconda, a prehensile tail, a prehensile boner and 10 tentacles sprouting from its incredibly powerful chimp body. This is a creature forged from the most horrific of nightmares. Indeed it is.
8. The stinger of a scorpion! scorps is gonna get ya!
9. The legs of a millipede.
10. The bill of a platypus.
11. The claws of a lobster.
12. The tusks of a mastodon. I'm not counting extinct animals, but I'm pretty sure mastodons are still around somewhere. Fuck you, science!
13. The horns of a rhino and a bull.
15. The stripes of a zebra.
16. The claws of a werewolf.
And that's the animal I would make. God, take note. I'm very disappointed that this thing doesn't exist already. Get your shit together!
1. The body of a chimpanzee. Chimpanzee's are strong. Like, super fucking strong. I would give my animal the body of a roided out retarded chimpanzee, thus combining roid strength, chimp strength and retard strength to mold pound for pound the strongest creature on earth.
2. The head of a crocodile. Crocodiles have the strongest bite preassure of any animal alive. And plus the phsychological factor comes into play. Can you imagine a retarded chimp with the disproportionate sized head of a crocodile roiding out on you, snapping its huge jaws in your face and pounding on its chest? No. You can not. It's like the best parts of king-kong and Godzilla combined into one.
3. The prehensile tail of a monkey. Because this way it would have 5 limbs instead of just 4 to fuck you up with.
4. The prehensile dong of an elephant. Because this way it would have 6 limbs instead of just 5 to fuck you (up) with. Imagine a tentacle, but also a dong. Yes.
5. The wings of a bat. Now it can fucking fly, too. Thought you'd be safe up in that helicopter? You couldn't have been more wrong even if you were trying to be the wrongest you could possibly be. How about chimp/croc dive bombs, swooping from the skies and wrapping its anaconda-esqe wiener around your body so it can take you to its cave high on a cliff face in the middle of nowhere and devour your body and soul. How about that?!
6. The anaconda of an anaconda. Now it has an ana-fucking-conda growing out of its torso! What?!
7. The tentacles of a squid. Now it has an anaconda, a prehensile tail, a prehensile boner and 10 tentacles sprouting from its incredibly powerful chimp body. This is a creature forged from the most horrific of nightmares. Indeed it is.
8. The stinger of a scorpion! scorps is gonna get ya!
9. The legs of a millipede.
10. The bill of a platypus.
11. The claws of a lobster.
12. The tusks of a mastodon. I'm not counting extinct animals, but I'm pretty sure mastodons are still around somewhere. Fuck you, science!
13. The horns of a rhino and a bull.
15. The stripes of a zebra.
16. The claws of a werewolf.
And that's the animal I would make. God, take note. I'm very disappointed that this thing doesn't exist already. Get your shit together!
Monday, December 14, 2009
I Propose we instate a nation wide law banning old man balls from all locker rooms
Do you have any idea how many times I've been in a locker room, chillin, looking at myself in the mirror, flexing, stealing paper towels and toilet paper and soap from the dispensers and so on, only to be visually assaulted by an ancient old man's withered ball skin and dong.
Washing my hands I turn around and BAM - old balls right in my face, mere inches away. I close my locker door and on the other side ZOW - ballsack. Locker rooms these days are like hideous jungles of shriveled, atrophied old man junk and I for one am not going to stand for it any longer!
Look old guys, I'm sure 90 years ago when you were in your prime your franks n' beans were majestic and awe inspiring displays of divine architecture, but now that you're in your 120's they have been stricken of their former splendor and now resemble hanging bags made of turkey skin with two lead walnuts inside and an albino hot-dog that has been microwaved for far too long.
Old men, nobody likes your crotches anymore. Not even you. Do the world a favor and just get rid of all that business you got going on down there. You're never going to need it again anyway. If you do this then when you die in the not too distant future, you can die knowing you saved young, virile, handsome men like myself from the emotional damage that occurs every time we're forced to gaze upon your meat. You can die knowing you made the world a better place.
Washing my hands I turn around and BAM - old balls right in my face, mere inches away. I close my locker door and on the other side ZOW - ballsack. Locker rooms these days are like hideous jungles of shriveled, atrophied old man junk and I for one am not going to stand for it any longer!
Look old guys, I'm sure 90 years ago when you were in your prime your franks n' beans were majestic and awe inspiring displays of divine architecture, but now that you're in your 120's they have been stricken of their former splendor and now resemble hanging bags made of turkey skin with two lead walnuts inside and an albino hot-dog that has been microwaved for far too long.
Old men, nobody likes your crotches anymore. Not even you. Do the world a favor and just get rid of all that business you got going on down there. You're never going to need it again anyway. If you do this then when you die in the not too distant future, you can die knowing you saved young, virile, handsome men like myself from the emotional damage that occurs every time we're forced to gaze upon your meat. You can die knowing you made the world a better place.
The top 5 things I would like to do to the cunts that broke into my car tonight
1. Rape them.
I'm not gay, but honestly, can you think of a worse thing to do to someone than rape? I can't, which is why I'd be willing to put aside my loathing of rape, and my heterosexuality, to give these filthy bastards a night of forced sodomy to rival all nights of forced sodomy to precede it.
2. Pay someone else to rape them.
This would be No. 1, but I'm poor and right now if at all possible I have to be a DIY kind of guy, whether I'm fixing my computer, cooking, or raping thieves in the night.
3. Teach a dog to rape, and then have it rape them.
This might be cheaper than paying a person to rape someone (Depending on the person), but it would also require much more effort, and if I'm anything more than poor, it's lazy. Still, the sight of a cute, innocent dog going to town on some tied and gagged dudes back-door orifice with an adorable doggy smile on its face while the rapee futilely attempts to escape his bindings and scream "Oh, shit. Oh, shit, a dog is raping me!" might be worth the extra time put in.
4. Make them watch as my trained canine rapist rapes someone they care about.
What could be worse than getting raped? Maybe....watching your grandfather getting raped, perhaps? Maybe, though you'd have to be pretty close to your grandfather. This option carries the same novelty as option 2, with the added benefit of the extra emotional scarring that could potentially occur.
5. Punch them in the dick. (Plus also rape them)
Basically this is option No. 1 with an added dick punch thrown in for good measure. Not really a viable option for me at the moment considering both of my wrists are injured and so punching anything would be quite reckless. I think I'll stick to rape.
I'm not gay, but honestly, can you think of a worse thing to do to someone than rape? I can't, which is why I'd be willing to put aside my loathing of rape, and my heterosexuality, to give these filthy bastards a night of forced sodomy to rival all nights of forced sodomy to precede it.
2. Pay someone else to rape them.
This would be No. 1, but I'm poor and right now if at all possible I have to be a DIY kind of guy, whether I'm fixing my computer, cooking, or raping thieves in the night.
3. Teach a dog to rape, and then have it rape them.
This might be cheaper than paying a person to rape someone (Depending on the person), but it would also require much more effort, and if I'm anything more than poor, it's lazy. Still, the sight of a cute, innocent dog going to town on some tied and gagged dudes back-door orifice with an adorable doggy smile on its face while the rapee futilely attempts to escape his bindings and scream "Oh, shit. Oh, shit, a dog is raping me!" might be worth the extra time put in.
4. Make them watch as my trained canine rapist rapes someone they care about.
What could be worse than getting raped? Maybe....watching your grandfather getting raped, perhaps? Maybe, though you'd have to be pretty close to your grandfather. This option carries the same novelty as option 2, with the added benefit of the extra emotional scarring that could potentially occur.
5. Punch them in the dick. (Plus also rape them)
Basically this is option No. 1 with an added dick punch thrown in for good measure. Not really a viable option for me at the moment considering both of my wrists are injured and so punching anything would be quite reckless. I think I'll stick to rape.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Rooms for rent...
Some of the E-mails I sent out in my efforts to find a room to stay in.
My name is Maxwell Shepherd. Me and my cousin Jeremy are searching for a place to live and are interested in your room. We are both clean and calm people. We hate noise and messes. We hate them so much. If we find a mess we will clean the shit out of it. So hard. We are very calm, though. Very. We clean as we go, rather than wait for messes to build over the course of many days. That’s stupid, and we hate people who do it. Fuck those people. We both like bears and I own many, many knives. I also have extensive martial arts training and would be willing to use that training in conjunction with my knives to defend the household from any threat, be that threat a hobo rapist, a Mexican or a person who leaves messes and makes a lot of noise. You’re not that kind of person are you?
- Maxwell
Hi. I want to live with you. I want to live with you so hard. So, so hard. Let's meet so I can show you how hard I want to live with you.
- Maxwell
Greetings! My name is Maxwell! I am very seriously looking for a room to stay in for a few months! I'm living in my car and it's even missing a window! I can't afford to renue my membership at my gym so I can't even take showers anymore let alone eat! I have no money to pay you, but I would be more than happy to work my rent off in anyway you see fit! Seriously, anyway at all (excluding sodomy *wink*)! Ok!
- Maxwell
My name is Maxwell Shepherd. Me and my cousin Jeremy are searching for a place to live and are interested in your room. We are both clean and calm people. We hate noise and messes. We hate them so much. If we find a mess we will clean the shit out of it. So hard. We are very calm, though. Very. We clean as we go, rather than wait for messes to build over the course of many days. That’s stupid, and we hate people who do it. Fuck those people. We both like bears and I own many, many knives. I also have extensive martial arts training and would be willing to use that training in conjunction with my knives to defend the household from any threat, be that threat a hobo rapist, a Mexican or a person who leaves messes and makes a lot of noise. You’re not that kind of person are you?
- Maxwell
Hi. I want to live with you. I want to live with you so hard. So, so hard. Let's meet so I can show you how hard I want to live with you.
- Maxwell
Greetings! My name is Maxwell! I am very seriously looking for a room to stay in for a few months! I'm living in my car and it's even missing a window! I can't afford to renue my membership at my gym so I can't even take showers anymore let alone eat! I have no money to pay you, but I would be more than happy to work my rent off in anyway you see fit! Seriously, anyway at all (excluding sodomy *wink*)! Ok!
- Maxwell
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