Dr-High-Ving

How fast am I going? How fast am I supposed to be going? Shit, the sign says 45, how long have I been driving 17? Has anyone noticed. Quick, speed up! Ah, fuck, gently. Ok, better. Good.

Now, where am I? F street. I gotta turn at F street. What street is this. I don't know. Find a sign...wait, this is F street? I've been on F street this whole time? How long has it been since I turned? Feels like it was centuries ago. I can't have been driving for centuries, I'd have run out of gas. I think I passed it. Now I have to turn around. Jesus, I'm in no state for this. I might as well drive the indie 500 after I've rubbed LSD in my eyes. That would be amazing, until I crashed. What am I going to get when I find the place? A double burger? I wonder if I could get them to put a chicken patty and a burger patty both inside a quesadilla. And then put that on a burger. I wonder why no one has invented food bags. Just bags you could fill with food, but that were also edible themselves, so you could eat the food out of the bag, then eat the bag. Or just eat the bag while it's filled with food, like a spherical burrito, but not. Jesus, when am I going to get to F street? F street, wait, I'm on F street! Turn!

How do I turn? Where do I turn? Just flip a bitch. Alright....

Bitch officially flipped. I rock so hard at turning. I bet I turn better than most other people. The key is good judgment of distance. Yeah.

Stop sign ahead. Slowing, slowing, slowing and...stopped. What. What's with this guy? I'm stopped, bro. I'm stopped, you can go. You stopped first, you can go. You can go, you can – ok, fine, I'll -hey, I was going! Jesus. People need to learn how to fucking drive.

And driving. Whoa, was that tree waving at me? Was that a tree? Was it a person made of branches? A tree man? I wish I lived in middle-earth. Oh, Gandalf, if only you were real. JESUS! That fucker came out of nowhere. Bikers just rolling about willy nilly, like they own the roads. Roads are for cars, not bikes. Oh, wait, I think I just ran a stop sign back there. I wonder if I stopped now if it would still count? Can you imagine bags made entirely of food? So I am on F street correct? Yeah, I've been on F street. Bags filled with milkshakes. God I want a milkshake. They have milkshakes, right? Yeah, they do. Alright, F street should be coming up, I-wait a minute, I'm on F street. Hey, turn, there's the turn. Yes, phase one initiated and...objective completed. Initiating phase two.

Alright, now things get tricky. Lots of stop signs, lots of pedestrians. Stop. And...go. Stop. And...go. Stop. And...god. Wait, was that girl looking at me. Why? Why would she be looking at me? Is there something wrong with my car? Could she smell the weed? They can tell I'm high. Shit, stop sign. Stop. And...oh, fuck me sideways. Is that a cop behind me? Oh lord, that is. That is a cop behind me. Do something! What?! Gun it! No! Stop! I am Stopped. Drive! Ok! Gun it! No, don't gun it, don't gun it! Turn here and lose him. . . . He turned! He turned! He turned when I turned! He turned when I turned! He knows I'm high! He's just fucking with me, playing cat and mouse. He's gonna turn on the lights and pull me over any second I can feel it in my bones! I will get raped if I go to prison. Within seconds. Oh, Christ, don't think about rape. Don't think about rape. Here, I'll turn again

….

He turned again! He's following me! Gun it! No, hide. Where? Jump in the back! Conceal yourself with empty soda cans. But what about the car? Screw the car, hide. Hold on, that idea makes no sense. Gun it! No, just keep driving. Pull over and let him pass you. There, a parking spot. Park, maybe he's like a T-rex, if I don't move, he might not be able to see me. Yeah, but maybe he's like a veloci-raptor. You saw what they did to Sam Jackson, he was nothing but arms when they got through with him. Initiate parking, phase one, completed. Oh god, he's slowing down. He's gonna stop. He passed! Victory! Gun it! What? Why? Fuck it. Onwards to the food depository! I'm going to ask them to just fill a garbage bag full of milkshake and then I'll poke a hole in the bottom and hold it over my mouth. Oh, God yes.